The Thread That Was Too Hot For The Magic Cafe (Yet It Stayed Up For Nineteen Days Until I Pointed It Out)
My 5 Card Repeat Patter Routine!
Hi Guys & Girls,
Thought I'd share with you my Complete Patter Routine which I use for the Classic 5 Card Repeat effect which I have used at the very start of my stand up comedy magic act for the past 16+ Yrs.
Admittedly some of the gags are old and corny, however the routine has served me well and helped me earn plenty of dosh so hope some of you enjoy it,
I'm posting it here as I very rarely use it now, as now do more stand up and less magic in the act
I have typed it up like a manuscript, as I have sold some copies of this to interested parties, however as a GIFT to members of this group I include the actual patter routine section of the booklet I was writing up FREE.
So enjoy....
INTRODUCTION
Within the pages of this short manuscript I shall be revealing my own personal tried, tested and proven to work routine for a true classic of magic!
Paul Daniel’s is famous for his “Six Card Repeat” and Wayne Dobson scored a TV hit with his “Five Card Repeat” version.
The method for performing this effect that I shall reveal within these pages is, I believe of my own creation! By that I mean I have taken an existing method and improved it to be far more practical to the Commercial Professional Performer.
Furthermore the Comedy Patter routine detailed within these pages is one that I have now been regularly working before paying audiences for over a decade, and I can honestly say that this routine has always served me well.
The Comedy Patter routine as detailed herein has been worked by me extensively in front of both Mainstream and Alternative Comedy audiences with great success.
I have used this routine twice when supporting Jimmy Cricket on his “Laughter Show” and have audience tested it regularly at Alternative Comedy venues when working with the likes of Lee Evans, Steve Coogan & Logan Murray to name but a few!
In fact it was this routine which won me the Heats, and got me into the finals of year 2001, Bachelors Cup A Soup Extra Comedy Challenge. (A high profile Alternative Comedy Competition and an unheard of feat for a magical performer!)
As always I mention these things not with the intention to sound big headed, but rather to illustrate how much faith you can indeed place into the Patter Routine, which follows.
This Patter owes much to the two routines mentioned earlier (those by Daniel’s & Dobson) and also to Comedy Heroes of the past including the late Max Wall, to whose funeral I was very proud and privileged to be invited!
Whilst I would openly admit that none of the one liners in this manuscript are in any way original or new, I would defend my actions of releasing this routine due to the original manner and order these gags have been placed into.
I shall start by detailing the Comedy Patter Routine, then reveal my own method for performing this classic effect and shall finish by teaching you some secrets of the Professional Stand up Comedian which any magical entertainer will benefit greatly from learning!
So here we go then guys & girls!…………………………….
THE COMEDY PATTER ROUTINE
(I use this as my opening routine and as such once the compere has introduced me I walk on stage, arrive at the microphone and launch into the Comedy Routine that follows!)
Good Evening Manchester! (Wait for response) well that’s a bit sad isn’t it? Lets try that again and this time sound like you’re at least a little pleased to see me, or don’t you do impressions?
(Slight pause) Good Evening Manchester! (pause) that’s much better, but theirs no need to shout I’m not blind! (Pause) stupid…yes!….Blind no!
Well Ladies & Gentlemen, they say that an audience can smell fear (pause) especially if you’ve just **** yourself before you walk on stage! (At this moment I pull on the bum area of my trousers to visually emphasise the gag)
Yes its true I was very nervous when I arrived here tonight, so nervous in fact that before I came (pause) no I don’t mean like that love (pretend to look at a Women in the audience as though she has interpreted this as a masturbation joke)
I mean before I came here tonight! Yes before I came here I phoned my good friend Bob Monkhouse (or other famous comedian) and asked him how to get over my nerves.
We’re like that (at this point visually show two of the fingers of your right hand crossed) you know me and Bob Monkhouse! Oh yes we’ve both got Arthritis.
Very good advice he gave me actually. He taught me how to use the Marbles and Cream Cracker method to get over my nerves, oh yes he did! Apparently all you need to gain confidence, as a Comedian is a Jacobs Cream Cracker and six marbles.
He told me to make a small hole in the centre of the cracker and then to place it over my willy whilst I stood in front of a full length mirror with three marbles in each of my cheeks, making six marbles in all. Then he told me all I had to do was stand in front of the mirror like this and play with me willy whilst I kept on saying the phrase Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen.
Now apparently doing this helps you to lose all your inhibitions and as such you become far more confident and as a result a better comedian. So there I am Naked in front of the full-length mirror, Cracker over me Willy and one-eyed trouser snake, or should I say Monster in hand? (Here I mime doing this)
In this cheek I’ve got three marbles (push left cheek out with fingers to illustrate) and in this cheek I’ve got another three marbles (illustrate by pushing other cheek out with fingers) and then I start playing with myself as I say Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen. (Again mime doing this as you actually say the phrase) and as you can imagine I sounded ridiculous because of the marbles in my cheeks, so I swallowed two marbles to see if that would be any better and again I said “Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen” (again as always with this phrase I mime the playing with my willy bit as I push my cheeks out with my fingers and say the phrase so that I really do sound stupid)
but it was no good so I swallowed two more marbles (here mime swallowing them) and again “Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen” (again miming the actions) but still no good so I decided to swallow the last two marbles (mime it and then say clearly) and then I said “Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen” and suddenly I felt full of confidence (pause) and apparently that’s because, When you’ve lost all your marbles (pause) and your still ****in crackers (pause) then you’re a comedian (pause) Thank You! (At this point without fail I have always found that the audience will applaud you loudly)
No don’t, don’t (pause) don’t stop! Actually on second thoughts save it for the end because I’ve got a week finish. Incidentally that’s the last joke I shall be doing tonight involving masturbation, so darling (look at a pretty female near the front) if you hear me do any more jokes on masturbation (pause) I’d like you to come up here on stage and pull me off!
Nice to see so many friendly looking faces in the audience tonight (pause) Alright Jack, How’s your back? (Appear to wave at someone) All right Peg, How’s your leg? (Appear to wave at someone) All right Rick (pause) How’s your (slight pause) neck problem doing?
I nearly didn’t make it to the show tonight, I just managed to fly in from the Bahamas (pause) I didn’t catch an aeroplane (pause) I just got thrown here in a freak Whirlwind! (Pause) I’m sorry about that last joke, I know it was rubbish, but I only did it because they told me to do some Tropical Material! (Sounds like Topical).
Speaking of Aeroplanes if you ever get on one, make sure you are sitting at the back (pause) after all when did you last hear of a Plane backing into a Mountain? (Pause) Actually safest place of all is to sit inside the Black Box!
THIS IS THE PART OF THE ROUTINE WHERE ITS EASY TO ADD MANY MORE AUDIENCE INVOLVEMENT GAGS AS EXPLAINED LATER!
Yes being a Comedian is a very strange job, people are always coming up to you and saying "You can use this joke” or at parties they always surround you demanding “Come on then tell us a Joke!” I mean you don’t get that in any other profession, imagine it your at a party you don’t go up to a plumber and say “Come on then fix me taps!” or up to a Politician and say “Come on then tell me some lies” or heaven forbid up to a Gynaecologist and say “Can you have a quick look at the wife for me?”
Incidentally Ladies if any of you are suffering from any problems down below come and see me after the show (pause) I’m not a qualified Gynaecologist, but I’ll have a *** good look for you!
Seriously though I’ve always wanted to be a Comedy Magical Entertainer ever since I was young, in fact the first strange thing I did was the day I was born (pause) I came out of the woman in the bed next to me mum!
My dad looked down at me and said (pause) Rover (pause) well he’d always wanted a dog. He said “Rover” you’ll go far (pause) and I did (pause) that night he locked me in the Guards van on the 8-15 train to London Euston.
Yes I’ve had a very sad childhood, orrr (as say this beckon to audience to join in with the sound of sympathy) no sadder than that (beckon again and the audience will do the sympathy sound again but louder) – (pause) well maybe not quite that sad.
At the age of six I was left an orphan (pause) I ask you at the age of six what did I want with an Orphan?
At the age of seven I lost both my parents (pause) what a card game that was (pause) I’ve never played cards since (pause) I’m scared of winning them back!
It was terrible being me when I was young (pause) come to think of it, its still terrible being me now I’m old.
I never got any decent presents at Christmas (beckon to audience as you did earlier and they will again make the noise of sympathy – orrr!) One Christmas my dad gave me an empty shoebox, he told me it was an Action Man deserter.
The next year he bought a wet the bed doll in Oxfam, then he shaved its hair off and told me it was an Action Man coward!
It was a hard childhood, me, my brother and my sister had to share a bed, and two of us wet the bed (pause) I slept in the shallow end.
I remember one night in bed me sister said to me “show me yours and I’ll show you mine” to which I said “well I’ve got one of them and you haven’t – ha – ha” (mime showing your willy to her) to which she said “well I’ve got one of them, and mummy told me that whilst I’ve got one of them I can have as many of them as I like!”
Before you start worrying I won’t be doing any jokes tonight about Incest, I think it would be totally in bad taste to say something like “Incest” – a wonderful game all the family can play! (Pause) And my dads right behind me on that one!
Yes we were a poor family when I was young, so poor in fact that me mum & dad used to buy me my school uniforms from the local Army & Navy store! I can tell you its no fun going to school during a war wearing a Japanese snipers suit!
Mind you at school I was the teacher’s pet (pause) she kept me in a little cage in the corner.
And as I grew up things went from bad to worse, especially when we had to play Rugby at school, after the game everybody would laugh at my tackle in the showers.
I’ve never liked Rugby since I’ve always thought it’s a game played by men with odd shaped balls!
I was very unlucky when I was young, especially when it came to my relatives! I was so unlucky that one day I bought my Granny some After Eight mints (pause) and she died at quarter too!
My Granddad was even unluckier than me (pause) he died drinking a can of Long Life!
Then I reached that tricky age when I started to ask me parents that awkward question of where did I come from. My dad told me that babies were delivered by the Stork, to which I asked him “In that case who ****s the stork?”.
Eventually he admitted that the stork had nothing to do with it, and in fact in truth it’s all over a Lark in a field!
In the end He did tell me about the birds and the bees (pause) the next day I went out raped a seagull and got stung by a wasp.
Yes very protective my parents were, they wouldn’t even let me near a Naked Flame until I was 18!
Then I discovered that my Willy and a rubix Cube have a lot in common (pause) the longer you play with them, the harder they get. The first time I came I thought I’d broken it.
One day my dad caught me having a wank in my bedroom, he walked in and said you’ll go blind if you keep reading that, to which I said “Dad I’m Over here!”. Anyway I told him straight I wasn’t reading the magazine, I was just looking at the pictures.
And before I knew it the time had come to see the School’s career officer. When he asked me what I wanted to do I said, “I want to be a comedian!” (Pause) Oh how he laughed! (Pause) their not laughing now though (pause) I don’t like the way I said that!
Then I left school, I had no O Levels, I had no A Levels (pause) but I did have three spirit Levels! (Pause) well the teachers always said I was well balanced.
As you’ve probably guessed I was a late starter and I’ve never really had much luck with the girls. In fact I’m really unlucky with women (pause) I had a girlfriend once who was half-Swedish and half Gypsy (pause) she was up all night massaging my clothespegs.
Then there was the girl who was half-English and half French (pause) she only shaved under one armpit (here I lift up one arm to visually emphasise the gag).
Eventually I lost my virginity to a Feminist Prostitute (pause) she insisted on paying half.
She asked me if I wanted a Blow Job and I said “OK but only if it won’t affect my dole money!”.
In the end I got so fed up with Women that for a short while I tried being Gay. I went into a Gay church once (pause) to be honest I only knew it was a Gay church when I realised that only half of the congregation were kneeling.
Did you know they have now started selling Gay Dolls in Leather Outfits at most major toyshops? You’ll find them on the shelf right behind Action Man!
Its no use buying one though, because when you take the lid off the box (pause) It just won’t come out!
Then there was the time when I went into a Butchers and asked for a large salami sausage, which he started to slice up (pause) to which I said, “What do you think my arse is a money box?”.
Then I tried being Bi-Sexual, but that didn’t last for long (pause) I couldn’t stand getting rejected twice.
Next I found out about Lesbians, apparently Lesbians are attracted to Women (pause) in that case I must be a Lesbian trapped in a mans body.
For my Eighteenth Birthday a load of me mates took me to Amsterdam for a party and I visited my first sex shop. They sold loads of books on better sex, all the girls were buying titles like “Sex Without Fear” and “Sex Without Guilt”. In the end I bought myself one called “Sex without Partners” (pause) it’s a handbook!
In fact they have now started selling it in WH Smiths, they’ve put it on the shelf with all the other Do It Yourself Manuals!
Whilst in Amsterdam I bought myself an Inflatable sex doll and what a disappointment that was. I gave mine a love bite on the neck (pause) then it farted and flew out of the window.
I noticed they had lots of different types of Condoms on sale, Coloured ones, Flavoured ones, even glow in the dark ones. I was a bit confused so the guy running the shop gave me some good advice, apparently you should never leave the curtains open whilst having sex with a Luminous condom on, because to anyone walking by it looks like you are opening and shutting a fridge door repeatedly (pause) and if your having real fast sex then it looks like your strobing!
And as for flavoured Condoms, well I bought one that was cheese & onion flavour, my girlfriend at the time got ****ed and accidentally started giving me oral sex before I’d put it on (pause) but still never mind she didn’t notice the difference.
The ones, which really get me, are the coloured condoms, now obviously the black ones are so your partner can imagine you’re a well endowed foreigner, but as for the green ones what are they all about? I thought it might be an alien abduction sexual fantasy thing and then my girlfriend explained that its so that she can get me to wear it, stand on the edge of the bed and say, “Ho Ho Ho – I’m The Jolly Green Giant!”. (Pause) “But don’t squeeze the sprouts!”.
They sold a wide range of mucky videos as well, I can tell you some of them were pretty disgusting! One of them featured a man having sex with a sheep (pause) apparently its not Baaad (here say the word bad drawn out so it sounds like a sheeps Baa noise).
Which reminds me, what do they call a sheep tied to a Lamppost in Wales? (Pause) a Leisure centre!
Another video involved a man getting caught by the police whilst having sex with a Horse. In court the judge let him off because apparently he was in a stable relationship at the time.
I was unfortunate enough to meet one of the stars from those animal sex videos once and I said to him “How low can you get?” to which he quickly replied “Well I tried a Hamster once!”.
And the best video of all was the one starring Mr. Bobbit, you know who I mean that American guy who had his Willy sewn back on after his wife had cut it off and thrown it out of the window during a row. Imagine that, she’s just cut off his Willy, thrown it out of the window and your walking down that very same street. You could slip and go flying on that stray Willy, imagine the embarrassment as you check into the local hospital with a broken leg and the nurse asks you what has happened? Imagine it guys having to reply "well I’ve slipped on a Willy” (pause) to which she says “whose yours?”” and you reply “I wish!”.
I’ve recently had an audition for a Porn Movie myself (pause) they put me on the short list (pause) still I’m not to bothered if I don’t get the role (pause) after all its only a small part!
The most shocking thing I saw though were some of the sex toys they were selling! I just couldn’t believe it one woman who was slightly stoned came in and asked for the big red vibrator on the wall to which the shop assistant said “Don’t be stupid love that’s the fire extinguisher!”.
And that’s to say nothing of the woman who brought her vibrator back to the shop demanding a refund because she claimed it knocked all her teeth out during oral sex!
They were selling those Viagra tablets as well, which help you to get a big stiffy. With each Viagra tablet you bought they gave you one free anti-depressant, which you are supposed to take at the same time. Then when you go out on the pull if you don’t trap off with a women (pause) you don’t give a ****!
I went to one of those Coffee shops as well, you know the ones where they sell that maryjane. To be honest I’m stupid when it comes to drugs, I don’t know the difference between smoking drugs and injecting them! (pause) I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve burnt my arm with a spliff. (Here visually mime trying to inject drugs into your arm with a red-hot burning cigarette).
To earn extra money I used to make donations to the Local Sperm bank for which you’d be given £15 a visit! The guy who owned the Sperm bank was very unlucky, his first three customers were useless (pause) two of them came on the bus and the other one missed the tube!
I remember well one visit I made to the sperm bank, there I am in my cubical, todger in one hand, jar to catch me spunk in the other, and a table full of adult magazines to get me errect (pause) and then I noticed these loud groaning noises coming from the next cubicle. My curiosity got the better of me and so I looked over the top of my cubicle to be shocked by the sight of a guy being given Oral sex by three beautiful nurses. (Pause) I went straight to the manager to complain (pause) oh yes I did. I asked him why it was that I got a table full of mucky magazines to arouse me, whereas the guy in the cubicle next to me was getting the personal attention of three pretty nurses, to which he replied quickly (pause) well that’s simple really sir (pause) Your not a member of BUPA!
Eventually I got over my wild and adventurous phase in life and returned to pursuing my dream of becoming a famous Magical Comedy Entertainer. One day I read a book and it said that a Comedian says things funny (pause) whereas a comic says things in a funny way (pause) well if that’s true (pause) then that makes me a magician!
In fact to start the magical proceedings this evening I’d like to show you the very first trick that I ever saw, well I didn’t actually see it for real, it all happened in a dream. So can we have some dream lighting please? (At this point you look up at the lights as if they are meant to be dimmed – the gag being that they remain exactly the same, and then after a short pause you say) You just can’t get the staff these days.
And can we have some dream music please (at this point some dreamy/cheesy sounding background music comes on to accompany you during the rest of this routine) Yes it all happened in a dream, and I have some very strange dreams (pause) no not those type of dreams love! (Appear to tell off another female in the audience for getting the wrong impression then after a short pause say) stop making up your own jokes!
Oh yes I have some strange dreams, one night I dreamed I was awake, then I woke up and found out that I was asleep.
Then there was the night I dreamed I’d become a Homosexual (pause) it was my own fault I fell asleep on a camp bed (pause) which reminds me of the politician who dreamed he was doing a speech in the House of Lords (pause) then he woke up and found out he was!
Anyhow in this dream I woke up one morning, I thought it was Dawn (pause) but I was wrong it was Samantha. The curtains were drawn, but the furniture was very real.
I got out of the wrong side of bed (pause) don’t you just hate it when you wake up with the mattress on top of you? Then I walked over and looked out of the window and there was a heavy Jew (sounds like Dew) on the grass (pause) he’d obviously been chucked out of the sinagod for swearing.
I asked my girlfriend to call me a cab and she said “Jon you’re a cab!”. In the end I called myself a cab, the cab pulled up with a jerk (pause) the jerk got out and I got in.
I knew the driver was going to be easy, she had a mattress strapped to her back. And as for her sister, well she was so popular that when she died (pause) she had to be buried in a Y shaped coffin!
As we were driving along she was going (here make sound of a car engine and mime turning the steering wheel, then after a short pause say) but then she stopped because she got a sore throat. She asked me to wind up the window, so I turned to the window and said “You can be a really stupid window at times you can!”.
On the way we got lost so we stopped to ask directions and discovered that there was this farmer there digging his field (pause) he was going YO Field!
Eventually we arrived at the Squitz Hotel, it’s like the Ritz except the foods not quite so good. As I walked in the man asked for my name, I guess he didn’t like his own.
I went inside and found that there was a magician on stage performing with his assistant (pause) some people have just got no shame.
And that’s the moment my desire to become a magician began, that very moment he did his first trick using 1,2,3,4,5 cards (as you say this cards are counted) he threw away 1,2, cards, gave them a flick as it’s the flick which works the trick and then he counted the cards again and there were still 1,2,3,4,5 cards and the whole audience went “Good God Man!” (Pause) but obviously you weren’t that audience.
I tell you what guys and girls we’ll try that again and I want you all to join in and say “Good God Man!” – OK? So he showed 1,2,3,4,5, cards, threw away 1,2, gave them a flick as it’s the flick that does the trick and counted them again to show 1,2,3,4,5 cards and the whole audience went (here pause and gesture to the audience and they will say “Good God Man!” then pause for a few seconds and say) The first time I saw that trick I too was so amazed that I forgot to applaud!
(Pause and they will clap, then when they stop say) Was that a round of applause or has somebody just put the chips in? (Usually one or two people will clap this comment at which point I say) Thank you, your very kind but please don’t clap on your own or else somebody will throw you a fish!
After the show I went backstage and asked him how he did the trick with 1,2,3,4,5 cards, where he threw away 1,2, gave them a flick because its the flick that does the trick and then counted them again to show 1,2,3,4,5, cards and the whole audience go (gesture for them to join in) "Good God Man!” but he said he couldn’t tell me because he’s a member of the Secret Five, in fact its so secret he didn’t know who the other four members were!
But he did give me some very good advice, he said that when I did manage to find out how to do the trick I should practise it somewhere nobody would see me, so I did (pause) I went on Digital TV!
Then I discovered a magic shop in a local town so I knocked on the door, the man answered the door in his pyjamas, I thought what a stupid place to keep a door in your pyjamas?
The guy had wooden legs but real feet, he told me that his shop burnt down once and the fire brigade had saved the shop but he was burnt to the floor.
Apparently he tried to claim on his insurance but they said he didn’t have a leg to stand on.
I asked him if he had the trick with 1,2,3,4,5, cards where you throw away 1,2, give them a flick cause it’s the flick that does the trick and then count them again showing 1,2,3,4,5, cards and the whole audience goes (gesture to them) “Good God Man!”.
He said he’d sold out but he did have a really good trick using 1,2,3,4,5, cards where you throw away 1,2,3,4,5, cards and are left with 1,2, as opposed to throwing away 1,2, cards giving them a flick cause it’s the flick that does the trick and then counting them again to show 1,2,3,4,5 cards and the whole audience going (gesture again) “Good God Man!”.
So you see Ladies and Gentlemen I’ve searched far and wide, high and low and I was going to show you the trick using 1,2,3,4,5, cards where you throw away 1,2, give them a flick cause it’s the flick that does the trick and then count them again showing 1,2,3,4,5 cards and the whole audience goes (gesture) “Good God Man!”
(Pause) But I just couldn’t find out how it was done! (Pause) THANK YOU! (Here as I say thank you I throw the last five cards up into the air and take a call, which acts as a cue for the audience to applaud loudly which invariably they do anyway!)
Have fun with this!
Hi Guys & Girls,
Thought I'd share with you my Complete Patter Routine which I use for the Classic 5 Card Repeat effect which I have used at the very start of my stand up comedy magic act for the past 16+ Yrs.
Admittedly some of the gags are old and corny, however the routine has served me well and helped me earn plenty of dosh so hope some of you enjoy it,
I'm posting it here as I very rarely use it now, as now do more stand up and less magic in the act
I have typed it up like a manuscript, as I have sold some copies of this to interested parties, however as a GIFT to members of this group I include the actual patter routine section of the booklet I was writing up FREE.
So enjoy....
INTRODUCTION
Within the pages of this short manuscript I shall be revealing my own personal tried, tested and proven to work routine for a true classic of magic!
Paul Daniel’s is famous for his “Six Card Repeat” and Wayne Dobson scored a TV hit with his “Five Card Repeat” version.
The method for performing this effect that I shall reveal within these pages is, I believe of my own creation! By that I mean I have taken an existing method and improved it to be far more practical to the Commercial Professional Performer.
Furthermore the Comedy Patter routine detailed within these pages is one that I have now been regularly working before paying audiences for over a decade, and I can honestly say that this routine has always served me well.
The Comedy Patter routine as detailed herein has been worked by me extensively in front of both Mainstream and Alternative Comedy audiences with great success.
I have used this routine twice when supporting Jimmy Cricket on his “Laughter Show” and have audience tested it regularly at Alternative Comedy venues when working with the likes of Lee Evans, Steve Coogan & Logan Murray to name but a few!
In fact it was this routine which won me the Heats, and got me into the finals of year 2001, Bachelors Cup A Soup Extra Comedy Challenge. (A high profile Alternative Comedy Competition and an unheard of feat for a magical performer!)
As always I mention these things not with the intention to sound big headed, but rather to illustrate how much faith you can indeed place into the Patter Routine, which follows.
This Patter owes much to the two routines mentioned earlier (those by Daniel’s & Dobson) and also to Comedy Heroes of the past including the late Max Wall, to whose funeral I was very proud and privileged to be invited!
Whilst I would openly admit that none of the one liners in this manuscript are in any way original or new, I would defend my actions of releasing this routine due to the original manner and order these gags have been placed into.
I shall start by detailing the Comedy Patter Routine, then reveal my own method for performing this classic effect and shall finish by teaching you some secrets of the Professional Stand up Comedian which any magical entertainer will benefit greatly from learning!
So here we go then guys & girls!…………………………….
THE COMEDY PATTER ROUTINE
(I use this as my opening routine and as such once the compere has introduced me I walk on stage, arrive at the microphone and launch into the Comedy Routine that follows!)
Good Evening Manchester! (Wait for response) well that’s a bit sad isn’t it? Lets try that again and this time sound like you’re at least a little pleased to see me, or don’t you do impressions?
(Slight pause) Good Evening Manchester! (pause) that’s much better, but theirs no need to shout I’m not blind! (Pause) stupid…yes!….Blind no!
Well Ladies & Gentlemen, they say that an audience can smell fear (pause) especially if you’ve just **** yourself before you walk on stage! (At this moment I pull on the bum area of my trousers to visually emphasise the gag)
Yes its true I was very nervous when I arrived here tonight, so nervous in fact that before I came (pause) no I don’t mean like that love (pretend to look at a Women in the audience as though she has interpreted this as a masturbation joke)
I mean before I came here tonight! Yes before I came here I phoned my good friend Bob Monkhouse (or other famous comedian) and asked him how to get over my nerves.
We’re like that (at this point visually show two of the fingers of your right hand crossed) you know me and Bob Monkhouse! Oh yes we’ve both got Arthritis.
Very good advice he gave me actually. He taught me how to use the Marbles and Cream Cracker method to get over my nerves, oh yes he did! Apparently all you need to gain confidence, as a Comedian is a Jacobs Cream Cracker and six marbles.
He told me to make a small hole in the centre of the cracker and then to place it over my willy whilst I stood in front of a full length mirror with three marbles in each of my cheeks, making six marbles in all. Then he told me all I had to do was stand in front of the mirror like this and play with me willy whilst I kept on saying the phrase Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen.
Now apparently doing this helps you to lose all your inhibitions and as such you become far more confident and as a result a better comedian. So there I am Naked in front of the full-length mirror, Cracker over me Willy and one-eyed trouser snake, or should I say Monster in hand? (Here I mime doing this)
In this cheek I’ve got three marbles (push left cheek out with fingers to illustrate) and in this cheek I’ve got another three marbles (illustrate by pushing other cheek out with fingers) and then I start playing with myself as I say Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen. (Again mime doing this as you actually say the phrase) and as you can imagine I sounded ridiculous because of the marbles in my cheeks, so I swallowed two marbles to see if that would be any better and again I said “Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen” (again as always with this phrase I mime the playing with my willy bit as I push my cheeks out with my fingers and say the phrase so that I really do sound stupid)
but it was no good so I swallowed two more marbles (here mime swallowing them) and again “Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen” (again miming the actions) but still no good so I decided to swallow the last two marbles (mime it and then say clearly) and then I said “Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen” and suddenly I felt full of confidence (pause) and apparently that’s because, When you’ve lost all your marbles (pause) and your still ****in crackers (pause) then you’re a comedian (pause) Thank You! (At this point without fail I have always found that the audience will applaud you loudly)
No don’t, don’t (pause) don’t stop! Actually on second thoughts save it for the end because I’ve got a week finish. Incidentally that’s the last joke I shall be doing tonight involving masturbation, so darling (look at a pretty female near the front) if you hear me do any more jokes on masturbation (pause) I’d like you to come up here on stage and pull me off!
Nice to see so many friendly looking faces in the audience tonight (pause) Alright Jack, How’s your back? (Appear to wave at someone) All right Peg, How’s your leg? (Appear to wave at someone) All right Rick (pause) How’s your (slight pause) neck problem doing?
I nearly didn’t make it to the show tonight, I just managed to fly in from the Bahamas (pause) I didn’t catch an aeroplane (pause) I just got thrown here in a freak Whirlwind! (Pause) I’m sorry about that last joke, I know it was rubbish, but I only did it because they told me to do some Tropical Material! (Sounds like Topical).
Speaking of Aeroplanes if you ever get on one, make sure you are sitting at the back (pause) after all when did you last hear of a Plane backing into a Mountain? (Pause) Actually safest place of all is to sit inside the Black Box!
THIS IS THE PART OF THE ROUTINE WHERE ITS EASY TO ADD MANY MORE AUDIENCE INVOLVEMENT GAGS AS EXPLAINED LATER!
Yes being a Comedian is a very strange job, people are always coming up to you and saying "You can use this joke” or at parties they always surround you demanding “Come on then tell us a Joke!” I mean you don’t get that in any other profession, imagine it your at a party you don’t go up to a plumber and say “Come on then fix me taps!” or up to a Politician and say “Come on then tell me some lies” or heaven forbid up to a Gynaecologist and say “Can you have a quick look at the wife for me?”
Incidentally Ladies if any of you are suffering from any problems down below come and see me after the show (pause) I’m not a qualified Gynaecologist, but I’ll have a *** good look for you!
Seriously though I’ve always wanted to be a Comedy Magical Entertainer ever since I was young, in fact the first strange thing I did was the day I was born (pause) I came out of the woman in the bed next to me mum!
My dad looked down at me and said (pause) Rover (pause) well he’d always wanted a dog. He said “Rover” you’ll go far (pause) and I did (pause) that night he locked me in the Guards van on the 8-15 train to London Euston.
Yes I’ve had a very sad childhood, orrr (as say this beckon to audience to join in with the sound of sympathy) no sadder than that (beckon again and the audience will do the sympathy sound again but louder) – (pause) well maybe not quite that sad.
At the age of six I was left an orphan (pause) I ask you at the age of six what did I want with an Orphan?
At the age of seven I lost both my parents (pause) what a card game that was (pause) I’ve never played cards since (pause) I’m scared of winning them back!
It was terrible being me when I was young (pause) come to think of it, its still terrible being me now I’m old.
I never got any decent presents at Christmas (beckon to audience as you did earlier and they will again make the noise of sympathy – orrr!) One Christmas my dad gave me an empty shoebox, he told me it was an Action Man deserter.
The next year he bought a wet the bed doll in Oxfam, then he shaved its hair off and told me it was an Action Man coward!
It was a hard childhood, me, my brother and my sister had to share a bed, and two of us wet the bed (pause) I slept in the shallow end.
I remember one night in bed me sister said to me “show me yours and I’ll show you mine” to which I said “well I’ve got one of them and you haven’t – ha – ha” (mime showing your willy to her) to which she said “well I’ve got one of them, and mummy told me that whilst I’ve got one of them I can have as many of them as I like!”
Before you start worrying I won’t be doing any jokes tonight about Incest, I think it would be totally in bad taste to say something like “Incest” – a wonderful game all the family can play! (Pause) And my dads right behind me on that one!
Yes we were a poor family when I was young, so poor in fact that me mum & dad used to buy me my school uniforms from the local Army & Navy store! I can tell you its no fun going to school during a war wearing a Japanese snipers suit!
Mind you at school I was the teacher’s pet (pause) she kept me in a little cage in the corner.
And as I grew up things went from bad to worse, especially when we had to play Rugby at school, after the game everybody would laugh at my tackle in the showers.
I’ve never liked Rugby since I’ve always thought it’s a game played by men with odd shaped balls!
I was very unlucky when I was young, especially when it came to my relatives! I was so unlucky that one day I bought my Granny some After Eight mints (pause) and she died at quarter too!
My Granddad was even unluckier than me (pause) he died drinking a can of Long Life!
Then I reached that tricky age when I started to ask me parents that awkward question of where did I come from. My dad told me that babies were delivered by the Stork, to which I asked him “In that case who ****s the stork?”.
Eventually he admitted that the stork had nothing to do with it, and in fact in truth it’s all over a Lark in a field!
In the end He did tell me about the birds and the bees (pause) the next day I went out raped a seagull and got stung by a wasp.
Yes very protective my parents were, they wouldn’t even let me near a Naked Flame until I was 18!
Then I discovered that my Willy and a rubix Cube have a lot in common (pause) the longer you play with them, the harder they get. The first time I came I thought I’d broken it.
One day my dad caught me having a wank in my bedroom, he walked in and said you’ll go blind if you keep reading that, to which I said “Dad I’m Over here!”. Anyway I told him straight I wasn’t reading the magazine, I was just looking at the pictures.
And before I knew it the time had come to see the School’s career officer. When he asked me what I wanted to do I said, “I want to be a comedian!” (Pause) Oh how he laughed! (Pause) their not laughing now though (pause) I don’t like the way I said that!
Then I left school, I had no O Levels, I had no A Levels (pause) but I did have three spirit Levels! (Pause) well the teachers always said I was well balanced.
As you’ve probably guessed I was a late starter and I’ve never really had much luck with the girls. In fact I’m really unlucky with women (pause) I had a girlfriend once who was half-Swedish and half Gypsy (pause) she was up all night massaging my clothespegs.
Then there was the girl who was half-English and half French (pause) she only shaved under one armpit (here I lift up one arm to visually emphasise the gag).
Eventually I lost my virginity to a Feminist Prostitute (pause) she insisted on paying half.
She asked me if I wanted a Blow Job and I said “OK but only if it won’t affect my dole money!”.
In the end I got so fed up with Women that for a short while I tried being Gay. I went into a Gay church once (pause) to be honest I only knew it was a Gay church when I realised that only half of the congregation were kneeling.
Did you know they have now started selling Gay Dolls in Leather Outfits at most major toyshops? You’ll find them on the shelf right behind Action Man!
Its no use buying one though, because when you take the lid off the box (pause) It just won’t come out!
Then there was the time when I went into a Butchers and asked for a large salami sausage, which he started to slice up (pause) to which I said, “What do you think my arse is a money box?”.
Then I tried being Bi-Sexual, but that didn’t last for long (pause) I couldn’t stand getting rejected twice.
Next I found out about Lesbians, apparently Lesbians are attracted to Women (pause) in that case I must be a Lesbian trapped in a mans body.
For my Eighteenth Birthday a load of me mates took me to Amsterdam for a party and I visited my first sex shop. They sold loads of books on better sex, all the girls were buying titles like “Sex Without Fear” and “Sex Without Guilt”. In the end I bought myself one called “Sex without Partners” (pause) it’s a handbook!
In fact they have now started selling it in WH Smiths, they’ve put it on the shelf with all the other Do It Yourself Manuals!
Whilst in Amsterdam I bought myself an Inflatable sex doll and what a disappointment that was. I gave mine a love bite on the neck (pause) then it farted and flew out of the window.
I noticed they had lots of different types of Condoms on sale, Coloured ones, Flavoured ones, even glow in the dark ones. I was a bit confused so the guy running the shop gave me some good advice, apparently you should never leave the curtains open whilst having sex with a Luminous condom on, because to anyone walking by it looks like you are opening and shutting a fridge door repeatedly (pause) and if your having real fast sex then it looks like your strobing!
And as for flavoured Condoms, well I bought one that was cheese & onion flavour, my girlfriend at the time got ****ed and accidentally started giving me oral sex before I’d put it on (pause) but still never mind she didn’t notice the difference.
The ones, which really get me, are the coloured condoms, now obviously the black ones are so your partner can imagine you’re a well endowed foreigner, but as for the green ones what are they all about? I thought it might be an alien abduction sexual fantasy thing and then my girlfriend explained that its so that she can get me to wear it, stand on the edge of the bed and say, “Ho Ho Ho – I’m The Jolly Green Giant!”. (Pause) “But don’t squeeze the sprouts!”.
They sold a wide range of mucky videos as well, I can tell you some of them were pretty disgusting! One of them featured a man having sex with a sheep (pause) apparently its not Baaad (here say the word bad drawn out so it sounds like a sheeps Baa noise).
Which reminds me, what do they call a sheep tied to a Lamppost in Wales? (Pause) a Leisure centre!
Another video involved a man getting caught by the police whilst having sex with a Horse. In court the judge let him off because apparently he was in a stable relationship at the time.
I was unfortunate enough to meet one of the stars from those animal sex videos once and I said to him “How low can you get?” to which he quickly replied “Well I tried a Hamster once!”.
And the best video of all was the one starring Mr. Bobbit, you know who I mean that American guy who had his Willy sewn back on after his wife had cut it off and thrown it out of the window during a row. Imagine that, she’s just cut off his Willy, thrown it out of the window and your walking down that very same street. You could slip and go flying on that stray Willy, imagine the embarrassment as you check into the local hospital with a broken leg and the nurse asks you what has happened? Imagine it guys having to reply "well I’ve slipped on a Willy” (pause) to which she says “whose yours?”” and you reply “I wish!”.
I’ve recently had an audition for a Porn Movie myself (pause) they put me on the short list (pause) still I’m not to bothered if I don’t get the role (pause) after all its only a small part!
The most shocking thing I saw though were some of the sex toys they were selling! I just couldn’t believe it one woman who was slightly stoned came in and asked for the big red vibrator on the wall to which the shop assistant said “Don’t be stupid love that’s the fire extinguisher!”.
And that’s to say nothing of the woman who brought her vibrator back to the shop demanding a refund because she claimed it knocked all her teeth out during oral sex!
They were selling those Viagra tablets as well, which help you to get a big stiffy. With each Viagra tablet you bought they gave you one free anti-depressant, which you are supposed to take at the same time. Then when you go out on the pull if you don’t trap off with a women (pause) you don’t give a ****!
I went to one of those Coffee shops as well, you know the ones where they sell that maryjane. To be honest I’m stupid when it comes to drugs, I don’t know the difference between smoking drugs and injecting them! (pause) I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve burnt my arm with a spliff. (Here visually mime trying to inject drugs into your arm with a red-hot burning cigarette).
To earn extra money I used to make donations to the Local Sperm bank for which you’d be given £15 a visit! The guy who owned the Sperm bank was very unlucky, his first three customers were useless (pause) two of them came on the bus and the other one missed the tube!
I remember well one visit I made to the sperm bank, there I am in my cubical, todger in one hand, jar to catch me spunk in the other, and a table full of adult magazines to get me errect (pause) and then I noticed these loud groaning noises coming from the next cubicle. My curiosity got the better of me and so I looked over the top of my cubicle to be shocked by the sight of a guy being given Oral sex by three beautiful nurses. (Pause) I went straight to the manager to complain (pause) oh yes I did. I asked him why it was that I got a table full of mucky magazines to arouse me, whereas the guy in the cubicle next to me was getting the personal attention of three pretty nurses, to which he replied quickly (pause) well that’s simple really sir (pause) Your not a member of BUPA!
Eventually I got over my wild and adventurous phase in life and returned to pursuing my dream of becoming a famous Magical Comedy Entertainer. One day I read a book and it said that a Comedian says things funny (pause) whereas a comic says things in a funny way (pause) well if that’s true (pause) then that makes me a magician!
In fact to start the magical proceedings this evening I’d like to show you the very first trick that I ever saw, well I didn’t actually see it for real, it all happened in a dream. So can we have some dream lighting please? (At this point you look up at the lights as if they are meant to be dimmed – the gag being that they remain exactly the same, and then after a short pause you say) You just can’t get the staff these days.
And can we have some dream music please (at this point some dreamy/cheesy sounding background music comes on to accompany you during the rest of this routine) Yes it all happened in a dream, and I have some very strange dreams (pause) no not those type of dreams love! (Appear to tell off another female in the audience for getting the wrong impression then after a short pause say) stop making up your own jokes!
Oh yes I have some strange dreams, one night I dreamed I was awake, then I woke up and found out that I was asleep.
Then there was the night I dreamed I’d become a Homosexual (pause) it was my own fault I fell asleep on a camp bed (pause) which reminds me of the politician who dreamed he was doing a speech in the House of Lords (pause) then he woke up and found out he was!
Anyhow in this dream I woke up one morning, I thought it was Dawn (pause) but I was wrong it was Samantha. The curtains were drawn, but the furniture was very real.
I got out of the wrong side of bed (pause) don’t you just hate it when you wake up with the mattress on top of you? Then I walked over and looked out of the window and there was a heavy Jew (sounds like Dew) on the grass (pause) he’d obviously been chucked out of the sinagod for swearing.
I asked my girlfriend to call me a cab and she said “Jon you’re a cab!”. In the end I called myself a cab, the cab pulled up with a jerk (pause) the jerk got out and I got in.
I knew the driver was going to be easy, she had a mattress strapped to her back. And as for her sister, well she was so popular that when she died (pause) she had to be buried in a Y shaped coffin!
As we were driving along she was going (here make sound of a car engine and mime turning the steering wheel, then after a short pause say) but then she stopped because she got a sore throat. She asked me to wind up the window, so I turned to the window and said “You can be a really stupid window at times you can!”.
On the way we got lost so we stopped to ask directions and discovered that there was this farmer there digging his field (pause) he was going YO Field!
Eventually we arrived at the Squitz Hotel, it’s like the Ritz except the foods not quite so good. As I walked in the man asked for my name, I guess he didn’t like his own.
I went inside and found that there was a magician on stage performing with his assistant (pause) some people have just got no shame.
And that’s the moment my desire to become a magician began, that very moment he did his first trick using 1,2,3,4,5 cards (as you say this cards are counted) he threw away 1,2, cards, gave them a flick as it’s the flick which works the trick and then he counted the cards again and there were still 1,2,3,4,5 cards and the whole audience went “Good God Man!” (Pause) but obviously you weren’t that audience.
I tell you what guys and girls we’ll try that again and I want you all to join in and say “Good God Man!” – OK? So he showed 1,2,3,4,5, cards, threw away 1,2, gave them a flick as it’s the flick that does the trick and counted them again to show 1,2,3,4,5 cards and the whole audience went (here pause and gesture to the audience and they will say “Good God Man!” then pause for a few seconds and say) The first time I saw that trick I too was so amazed that I forgot to applaud!
(Pause and they will clap, then when they stop say) Was that a round of applause or has somebody just put the chips in? (Usually one or two people will clap this comment at which point I say) Thank you, your very kind but please don’t clap on your own or else somebody will throw you a fish!
After the show I went backstage and asked him how he did the trick with 1,2,3,4,5 cards, where he threw away 1,2, gave them a flick because its the flick that does the trick and then counted them again to show 1,2,3,4,5, cards and the whole audience go (gesture for them to join in) "Good God Man!” but he said he couldn’t tell me because he’s a member of the Secret Five, in fact its so secret he didn’t know who the other four members were!
But he did give me some very good advice, he said that when I did manage to find out how to do the trick I should practise it somewhere nobody would see me, so I did (pause) I went on Digital TV!
Then I discovered a magic shop in a local town so I knocked on the door, the man answered the door in his pyjamas, I thought what a stupid place to keep a door in your pyjamas?
The guy had wooden legs but real feet, he told me that his shop burnt down once and the fire brigade had saved the shop but he was burnt to the floor.
Apparently he tried to claim on his insurance but they said he didn’t have a leg to stand on.
I asked him if he had the trick with 1,2,3,4,5, cards where you throw away 1,2, give them a flick cause it’s the flick that does the trick and then count them again showing 1,2,3,4,5, cards and the whole audience goes (gesture to them) “Good God Man!”.
He said he’d sold out but he did have a really good trick using 1,2,3,4,5, cards where you throw away 1,2,3,4,5, cards and are left with 1,2, as opposed to throwing away 1,2, cards giving them a flick cause it’s the flick that does the trick and then counting them again to show 1,2,3,4,5 cards and the whole audience going (gesture again) “Good God Man!”.
So you see Ladies and Gentlemen I’ve searched far and wide, high and low and I was going to show you the trick using 1,2,3,4,5, cards where you throw away 1,2, give them a flick cause it’s the flick that does the trick and then count them again showing 1,2,3,4,5 cards and the whole audience goes (gesture) “Good God Man!”
(Pause) But I just couldn’t find out how it was done! (Pause) THANK YOU! (Here as I say thank you I throw the last five cards up into the air and take a call, which acts as a cue for the audience to applaud loudly which invariably they do anyway!)
Have fun with this!
posted by Andy at 8:17 AM
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