PMs between JordanMalfreed and Dave Scribner

[This is an example of some of the trouble that this contest started on the Cafe. Don't feel obligated to read the whole thing, I just put it up here for reference. It's a somewhat interesting discussion. The weirdest part is how sad I felt for Dave Scribner after reading it. This guy spends his time deleting posts on a magic message board under someone else's direction. Scribner, let's be honest, isn't there a much better use of your time out there somewhere? -- Andy]

Dave Scribner to JordanMalfreed

Jordan, you may have noticed that many of your posts have been deleted. Whenever we see a sudden increase in posts in one or two days, we automatically go in and start looking at them. Sometimes there is no problem, other times, they post are just from someone trying to reach the 50 post level.

In your case, most of the post you made were responding to questions posed 2 to 3 years ago and to people who no longer visit the Café.

Many of them didn't really add to the conversation but were simply telling people to basically search the internet for an answer.

While we encourage members to post, we also want them to post helpful information in response to fairly recent conversation. For example, in one post, you responded to a member who had provided a link to his web site with something like "the link doesn't work, do you still need help". The original message was posted in 2002. We're sure by now, the member either knows the link is bad or has changed the URL. In either case, your response didn't help.

Jordan to Dave

Dear Dave,

With all due respect to your intent, I think you are very incorrect in your
assumptions.

As evidence I submit that you check out the response that I was sent via PM to one of the very old threads I addressed yesterday. I was told personally from the person that they really appreciate my help. Please note that the query on the Café was a couple years old. Please also note that you deleted my response to this gentleman's query for help, even though he personally felt I helped him enough that he took the effort to write me a note to thank me for my help. It seems your goal and the effect are not matching each other. I humbly suggest you consider modifying your modifications.

The post which I give here is just an example, but it's a pretty clear example of you deleting something which was genuinely appreciated by the person with the questions.

Also, the older questions which have received no answer are generally the ones that still need an answer. People wait for years for answers to questions hoping that someone will come through for them. If you don't want anyone to answer these questions on the Café, then why do the questions remain on the board. If you are going to get rid of any answers that attempt to help, particularly ones that are appreciated by the questioner, then just get rid of the content and clear your server of the space you consider to be wasted.

I'm quite curious what you would say in response to all of this. Thank goodness that this gentleman read my response so quickly. Otherwise, he would have been denied this help due to your removing my post.

I appreciate the mission statement of the Café, but I'm not sure that with the deletion of messages that the Café can live up to its mission statement. I hope you can consider the information I've provided here and do what you believe is best.

Regards,
Jordan

---PM from person appreciating my response---
Thanks for your help. I've been looking for info on this edition for a
while. I didn't have much luck the first time I asked about it:

http://www.themagiccafe.com/forums/viewtopic.php?topic=23665&forum=19

thanks again,
verno inferno

Dave to Jordan

There of course are exception to everything, and while you did receive a response from one or two of your posts, for the most part, as I mentioned earlier, in general, you were responding to people who never visit the Café and in a lot of cases, not members any longer. We don't remove posts when they become old as many of them offer valuable information. I didn't arbitrarily remove your posts just because they responded to old topics. I read every topic in it's entirety before making the decision as to whether it was helping. You'll see that some were left.

In some cases, the original question in 2002 was answered by other members shortly after it was posed. Your response in 2005 is most likely not going to be read by that originator and is providing answers to an already answered question.

This isn't a problem to lose sleep over but is just sent as an awareness to you to read the topic and evaluate if your response is necessary before posting.

Jordan to Dave

Dear Dave,

You can do what you want, because clearly you run the Café, not the members. It's not my call to make. I'm able to make a suggestion, but I can't implement any changes.

I did read the threads to which you are referring before I posted anything. I felt, and still do, that my comments were genuinely adding value. Perhaps maybe one or two were a bit more of commentary than anything else, but certainly I was not the only one in the thread to do that. Sometimes my comments were similar regarding different questions. Sometimes the same answer suffices for different questions, as was true in this case. There are some good resources that I pointed these people towards.

If you want to remove comments in the Café that don't add value to a discussion, you'll have a full time job for many people, but I don't want to get into a discussion of that with you really.

My point is that clearly I did provide value even in the case where you removed my comments. The person in this case who provided me with feedback and thanks only got the chance to do so because he somehow saw my comments within an hour or so of my entering them. Even this guy who thanked me would have no chance to get my help if he had not read the board so quickly. That's why I made the suggestion that you might consider changing the way you delete content. Your decision is clearly not the same as the person who was seeking the help. I'm just suggesting you consider your policy and whether or not it's meeting the needs of your customers and client base. I happen to be one of your customers and was voicing my opinion. You get to accept or reject it at your discression.

There are exceptions to lots of things, which is true, but that's precisely what I'm showing you. I'm showing you that by following some strange individual determination of what is valid and invalid, you sometimes are going to delete content that is valuable to people. I spent some time trying to help someone, and without so much as a question or comment, it was silently and suddenly wiped away. I can't help but wonder what value is obtained by erasing my posts. The impact on the storage capacity of your server and bandwidth would have been pretty minimal, especially considering the low amount of traffic that this subsection of the Café sees.

Actually, your decision to delete the content is arbitrary. Arbitrary is, "based on or determined by individual preference or convenience rather than by necessity or the intrinsic nature of something." That's what I'm pointing out to you.

By the way, I'll not be losing any sleep whatsoever about what goes on at the Café. It's not worth it.

Do you think you might consider changing or even modifying the manner in which you and your staff delete content? Just wondering.

Best to you,
Jordan

Dave to Jordan

Jordan, I don't make the rules for the Café so changing our criteria for editing or deleting would not be my decision. I work directly for the owner of the Café and my decisions are based on his directions to me and my experience since I've been here almost from the beginning. The criteria I used in deleting your posts is the same I use and have used, for everyone and is also the one used by all of the staff members that work for me.

Yes, it's a full time job and we have 16 people reading and working the posts each and every day making the same decisions I made in this case. Yes, it's an individual determination but it's based on the guidelines we have established for the staff. I'm not the Chief of Staff because I make those decisions based on my own personal beliefs but because I follow the wishes of the owner. He often says it's his sandbox and he makes the rules. The Café is different from a lot of other sites and that's the way he wants it.

So, will we ever consider changing our manner of operation, who knows. If my directives are changed or the philosophy of the owner changes, then my decisions and directions to the staff will follow suit. Until that, we'll continue to work as we have in the past.

BTW, I never took your comments as criticism or bashing the rules of the Café. You and all of the members are entitled to their opinions and we do listen to them, believe it or not. Sometimes we, as managers will agree, other times we won't.

Jordan to Dave

Dear Dave,

Thanks very much for your candor. I understand.

I wish you the very best.

Regards,
Jordan

The Thread That Was Too Hot For The Magic Cafe (Yet It Stayed Up For Nineteen Days Until I Pointed It Out)

My 5 Card Repeat Patter Routine!

Hi Guys & Girls,

Thought I'd share with you my Complete Patter Routine which I use for the Classic 5 Card Repeat effect which I have used at the very start of my stand up comedy magic act for the past 16+ Yrs.

Admittedly some of the gags are old and corny, however the routine has served me well and helped me earn plenty of dosh so hope some of you enjoy it,

I'm posting it here as I very rarely use it now, as now do more stand up and less magic in the act

I have typed it up like a manuscript, as I have sold some copies of this to interested parties, however as a GIFT to members of this group I include the actual patter routine section of the booklet I was writing up FREE.

So enjoy....


INTRODUCTION

Within the pages of this short manuscript I shall be revealing my own personal tried, tested and proven to work routine for a true classic of magic!

Paul Daniel’s is famous for his “Six Card Repeat” and Wayne Dobson scored a TV hit with his “Five Card Repeat” version.

The method for performing this effect that I shall reveal within these pages is, I believe of my own creation! By that I mean I have taken an existing method and improved it to be far more practical to the Commercial Professional Performer.

Furthermore the Comedy Patter routine detailed within these pages is one that I have now been regularly working before paying audiences for over a decade, and I can honestly say that this routine has always served me well.

The Comedy Patter routine as detailed herein has been worked by me extensively in front of both Mainstream and Alternative Comedy audiences with great success.

I have used this routine twice when supporting Jimmy Cricket on his “Laughter Show” and have audience tested it regularly at Alternative Comedy venues when working with the likes of Lee Evans, Steve Coogan & Logan Murray to name but a few!

In fact it was this routine which won me the Heats, and got me into the finals of year 2001, Bachelors Cup A Soup Extra Comedy Challenge. (A high profile Alternative Comedy Competition and an unheard of feat for a magical performer!)

As always I mention these things not with the intention to sound big headed, but rather to illustrate how much faith you can indeed place into the Patter Routine, which follows.

This Patter owes much to the two routines mentioned earlier (those by Daniel’s & Dobson) and also to Comedy Heroes of the past including the late Max Wall, to whose funeral I was very proud and privileged to be invited!

Whilst I would openly admit that none of the one liners in this manuscript are in any way original or new, I would defend my actions of releasing this routine due to the original manner and order these gags have been placed into.

I shall start by detailing the Comedy Patter Routine, then reveal my own method for performing this classic effect and shall finish by teaching you some secrets of the Professional Stand up Comedian which any magical entertainer will benefit greatly from learning!

So here we go then guys & girls!…………………………….

THE COMEDY PATTER ROUTINE

(I use this as my opening routine and as such once the compere has introduced me I walk on stage, arrive at the microphone and launch into the Comedy Routine that follows!)

Good Evening Manchester! (Wait for response) well that’s a bit sad isn’t it? Lets try that again and this time sound like you’re at least a little pleased to see me, or don’t you do impressions?

(Slight pause) Good Evening Manchester! (pause) that’s much better, but theirs no need to shout I’m not blind! (Pause) stupid…yes!….Blind no!

Well Ladies & Gentlemen, they say that an audience can smell fear (pause) especially if you’ve just **** yourself before you walk on stage! (At this moment I pull on the bum area of my trousers to visually emphasise the gag)

Yes its true I was very nervous when I arrived here tonight, so nervous in fact that before I came (pause) no I don’t mean like that love (pretend to look at a Women in the audience as though she has interpreted this as a masturbation joke)

I mean before I came here tonight! Yes before I came here I phoned my good friend Bob Monkhouse (or other famous comedian) and asked him how to get over my nerves.

We’re like that (at this point visually show two of the fingers of your right hand crossed) you know me and Bob Monkhouse! Oh yes we’ve both got Arthritis.

Very good advice he gave me actually. He taught me how to use the Marbles and Cream Cracker method to get over my nerves, oh yes he did! Apparently all you need to gain confidence, as a Comedian is a Jacobs Cream Cracker and six marbles.

He told me to make a small hole in the centre of the cracker and then to place it over my willy whilst I stood in front of a full length mirror with three marbles in each of my cheeks, making six marbles in all. Then he told me all I had to do was stand in front of the mirror like this and play with me willy whilst I kept on saying the phrase Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen.

Now apparently doing this helps you to lose all your inhibitions and as such you become far more confident and as a result a better comedian. So there I am Naked in front of the full-length mirror, Cracker over me Willy and one-eyed trouser snake, or should I say Monster in hand? (Here I mime doing this)

In this cheek I’ve got three marbles (push left cheek out with fingers to illustrate) and in this cheek I’ve got another three marbles (illustrate by pushing other cheek out with fingers) and then I start playing with myself as I say Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen. (Again mime doing this as you actually say the phrase) and as you can imagine I sounded ridiculous because of the marbles in my cheeks, so I swallowed two marbles to see if that would be any better and again I said “Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen” (again as always with this phrase I mime the playing with my willy bit as I push my cheeks out with my fingers and say the phrase so that I really do sound stupid)

but it was no good so I swallowed two more marbles (here mime swallowing them) and again “Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen” (again miming the actions) but still no good so I decided to swallow the last two marbles (mime it and then say clearly) and then I said “Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen” and suddenly I felt full of confidence (pause) and apparently that’s because, When you’ve lost all your marbles (pause) and your still ****in crackers (pause) then you’re a comedian (pause) Thank You! (At this point without fail I have always found that the audience will applaud you loudly)

No don’t, don’t (pause) don’t stop! Actually on second thoughts save it for the end because I’ve got a week finish. Incidentally that’s the last joke I shall be doing tonight involving masturbation, so darling (look at a pretty female near the front) if you hear me do any more jokes on masturbation (pause) I’d like you to come up here on stage and pull me off!

Nice to see so many friendly looking faces in the audience tonight (pause) Alright Jack, How’s your back? (Appear to wave at someone) All right Peg, How’s your leg? (Appear to wave at someone) All right Rick (pause) How’s your (slight pause) neck problem doing?

I nearly didn’t make it to the show tonight, I just managed to fly in from the Bahamas (pause) I didn’t catch an aeroplane (pause) I just got thrown here in a freak Whirlwind! (Pause) I’m sorry about that last joke, I know it was rubbish, but I only did it because they told me to do some Tropical Material! (Sounds like Topical).

Speaking of Aeroplanes if you ever get on one, make sure you are sitting at the back (pause) after all when did you last hear of a Plane backing into a Mountain? (Pause) Actually safest place of all is to sit inside the Black Box!

THIS IS THE PART OF THE ROUTINE WHERE ITS EASY TO ADD MANY MORE AUDIENCE INVOLVEMENT GAGS AS EXPLAINED LATER!

Yes being a Comedian is a very strange job, people are always coming up to you and saying "You can use this joke” or at parties they always surround you demanding “Come on then tell us a Joke!” I mean you don’t get that in any other profession, imagine it your at a party you don’t go up to a plumber and say “Come on then fix me taps!” or up to a Politician and say “Come on then tell me some lies” or heaven forbid up to a Gynaecologist and say “Can you have a quick look at the wife for me?”

Incidentally Ladies if any of you are suffering from any problems down below come and see me after the show (pause) I’m not a qualified Gynaecologist, but I’ll have a *** good look for you!

Seriously though I’ve always wanted to be a Comedy Magical Entertainer ever since I was young, in fact the first strange thing I did was the day I was born (pause) I came out of the woman in the bed next to me mum!

My dad looked down at me and said (pause) Rover (pause) well he’d always wanted a dog. He said “Rover” you’ll go far (pause) and I did (pause) that night he locked me in the Guards van on the 8-15 train to London Euston.

Yes I’ve had a very sad childhood, orrr (as say this beckon to audience to join in with the sound of sympathy) no sadder than that (beckon again and the audience will do the sympathy sound again but louder) – (pause) well maybe not quite that sad.

At the age of six I was left an orphan (pause) I ask you at the age of six what did I want with an Orphan?

At the age of seven I lost both my parents (pause) what a card game that was (pause) I’ve never played cards since (pause) I’m scared of winning them back!

It was terrible being me when I was young (pause) come to think of it, its still terrible being me now I’m old.

I never got any decent presents at Christmas (beckon to audience as you did earlier and they will again make the noise of sympathy – orrr!) One Christmas my dad gave me an empty shoebox, he told me it was an Action Man deserter.

The next year he bought a wet the bed doll in Oxfam, then he shaved its hair off and told me it was an Action Man coward!

It was a hard childhood, me, my brother and my sister had to share a bed, and two of us wet the bed (pause) I slept in the shallow end.

I remember one night in bed me sister said to me “show me yours and I’ll show you mine” to which I said “well I’ve got one of them and you haven’t – ha – ha” (mime showing your willy to her) to which she said “well I’ve got one of them, and mummy told me that whilst I’ve got one of them I can have as many of them as I like!”

Before you start worrying I won’t be doing any jokes tonight about Incest, I think it would be totally in bad taste to say something like “Incest” – a wonderful game all the family can play! (Pause) And my dads right behind me on that one!

Yes we were a poor family when I was young, so poor in fact that me mum & dad used to buy me my school uniforms from the local Army & Navy store! I can tell you its no fun going to school during a war wearing a Japanese snipers suit!

Mind you at school I was the teacher’s pet (pause) she kept me in a little cage in the corner.

And as I grew up things went from bad to worse, especially when we had to play Rugby at school, after the game everybody would laugh at my tackle in the showers.

I’ve never liked Rugby since I’ve always thought it’s a game played by men with odd shaped balls!

I was very unlucky when I was young, especially when it came to my relatives! I was so unlucky that one day I bought my Granny some After Eight mints (pause) and she died at quarter too!

My Granddad was even unluckier than me (pause) he died drinking a can of Long Life!

Then I reached that tricky age when I started to ask me parents that awkward question of where did I come from. My dad told me that babies were delivered by the Stork, to which I asked him “In that case who ****s the stork?”.

Eventually he admitted that the stork had nothing to do with it, and in fact in truth it’s all over a Lark in a field!

In the end He did tell me about the birds and the bees (pause) the next day I went out raped a seagull and got stung by a wasp.

Yes very protective my parents were, they wouldn’t even let me near a Naked Flame until I was 18!

Then I discovered that my Willy and a rubix Cube have a lot in common (pause) the longer you play with them, the harder they get. The first time I came I thought I’d broken it.

One day my dad caught me having a wank in my bedroom, he walked in and said you’ll go blind if you keep reading that, to which I said “Dad I’m Over here!”. Anyway I told him straight I wasn’t reading the magazine, I was just looking at the pictures.

And before I knew it the time had come to see the School’s career officer. When he asked me what I wanted to do I said, “I want to be a comedian!” (Pause) Oh how he laughed! (Pause) their not laughing now though (pause) I don’t like the way I said that!

Then I left school, I had no O Levels, I had no A Levels (pause) but I did have three spirit Levels! (Pause) well the teachers always said I was well balanced.

As you’ve probably guessed I was a late starter and I’ve never really had much luck with the girls. In fact I’m really unlucky with women (pause) I had a girlfriend once who was half-Swedish and half Gypsy (pause) she was up all night massaging my clothespegs.

Then there was the girl who was half-English and half French (pause) she only shaved under one armpit (here I lift up one arm to visually emphasise the gag).

Eventually I lost my virginity to a Feminist Prostitute (pause) she insisted on paying half.

She asked me if I wanted a Blow Job and I said “OK but only if it won’t affect my dole money!”.

In the end I got so fed up with Women that for a short while I tried being Gay. I went into a Gay church once (pause) to be honest I only knew it was a Gay church when I realised that only half of the congregation were kneeling.

Did you know they have now started selling Gay Dolls in Leather Outfits at most major toyshops? You’ll find them on the shelf right behind Action Man!

Its no use buying one though, because when you take the lid off the box (pause) It just won’t come out!

Then there was the time when I went into a Butchers and asked for a large salami sausage, which he started to slice up (pause) to which I said, “What do you think my arse is a money box?”.

Then I tried being Bi-Sexual, but that didn’t last for long (pause) I couldn’t stand getting rejected twice.

Next I found out about Lesbians, apparently Lesbians are attracted to Women (pause) in that case I must be a Lesbian trapped in a mans body.

For my Eighteenth Birthday a load of me mates took me to Amsterdam for a party and I visited my first sex shop. They sold loads of books on better sex, all the girls were buying titles like “Sex Without Fear” and “Sex Without Guilt”. In the end I bought myself one called “Sex without Partners” (pause) it’s a handbook!

In fact they have now started selling it in WH Smiths, they’ve put it on the shelf with all the other Do It Yourself Manuals!

Whilst in Amsterdam I bought myself an Inflatable sex doll and what a disappointment that was. I gave mine a love bite on the neck (pause) then it farted and flew out of the window.

I noticed they had lots of different types of Condoms on sale, Coloured ones, Flavoured ones, even glow in the dark ones. I was a bit confused so the guy running the shop gave me some good advice, apparently you should never leave the curtains open whilst having sex with a Luminous condom on, because to anyone walking by it looks like you are opening and shutting a fridge door repeatedly (pause) and if your having real fast sex then it looks like your strobing!

And as for flavoured Condoms, well I bought one that was cheese & onion flavour, my girlfriend at the time got ****ed and accidentally started giving me oral sex before I’d put it on (pause) but still never mind she didn’t notice the difference.

The ones, which really get me, are the coloured condoms, now obviously the black ones are so your partner can imagine you’re a well endowed foreigner, but as for the green ones what are they all about? I thought it might be an alien abduction sexual fantasy thing and then my girlfriend explained that its so that she can get me to wear it, stand on the edge of the bed and say, “Ho Ho Ho – I’m The Jolly Green Giant!”. (Pause) “But don’t squeeze the sprouts!”.

They sold a wide range of mucky videos as well, I can tell you some of them were pretty disgusting! One of them featured a man having sex with a sheep (pause) apparently its not Baaad (here say the word bad drawn out so it sounds like a sheeps Baa noise).

Which reminds me, what do they call a sheep tied to a Lamppost in Wales? (Pause) a Leisure centre!

Another video involved a man getting caught by the police whilst having sex with a Horse. In court the judge let him off because apparently he was in a stable relationship at the time.

I was unfortunate enough to meet one of the stars from those animal sex videos once and I said to him “How low can you get?” to which he quickly replied “Well I tried a Hamster once!”.

And the best video of all was the one starring Mr. Bobbit, you know who I mean that American guy who had his Willy sewn back on after his wife had cut it off and thrown it out of the window during a row. Imagine that, she’s just cut off his Willy, thrown it out of the window and your walking down that very same street. You could slip and go flying on that stray Willy, imagine the embarrassment as you check into the local hospital with a broken leg and the nurse asks you what has happened? Imagine it guys having to reply "well I’ve slipped on a Willy” (pause) to which she says “whose yours?”” and you reply “I wish!”.

I’ve recently had an audition for a Porn Movie myself (pause) they put me on the short list (pause) still I’m not to bothered if I don’t get the role (pause) after all its only a small part!

The most shocking thing I saw though were some of the sex toys they were selling! I just couldn’t believe it one woman who was slightly stoned came in and asked for the big red vibrator on the wall to which the shop assistant said “Don’t be stupid love that’s the fire extinguisher!”.

And that’s to say nothing of the woman who brought her vibrator back to the shop demanding a refund because she claimed it knocked all her teeth out during oral sex!

They were selling those Viagra tablets as well, which help you to get a big stiffy. With each Viagra tablet you bought they gave you one free anti-depressant, which you are supposed to take at the same time. Then when you go out on the pull if you don’t trap off with a women (pause) you don’t give a ****!

I went to one of those Coffee shops as well, you know the ones where they sell that maryjane. To be honest I’m stupid when it comes to drugs, I don’t know the difference between smoking drugs and injecting them! (pause) I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve burnt my arm with a spliff. (Here visually mime trying to inject drugs into your arm with a red-hot burning cigarette).

To earn extra money I used to make donations to the Local Sperm bank for which you’d be given £15 a visit! The guy who owned the Sperm bank was very unlucky, his first three customers were useless (pause) two of them came on the bus and the other one missed the tube!

I remember well one visit I made to the sperm bank, there I am in my cubical, todger in one hand, jar to catch me spunk in the other, and a table full of adult magazines to get me errect (pause) and then I noticed these loud groaning noises coming from the next cubicle. My curiosity got the better of me and so I looked over the top of my cubicle to be shocked by the sight of a guy being given Oral sex by three beautiful nurses. (Pause) I went straight to the manager to complain (pause) oh yes I did. I asked him why it was that I got a table full of mucky magazines to arouse me, whereas the guy in the cubicle next to me was getting the personal attention of three pretty nurses, to which he replied quickly (pause) well that’s simple really sir (pause) Your not a member of BUPA!

Eventually I got over my wild and adventurous phase in life and returned to pursuing my dream of becoming a famous Magical Comedy Entertainer. One day I read a book and it said that a Comedian says things funny (pause) whereas a comic says things in a funny way (pause) well if that’s true (pause) then that makes me a magician!

In fact to start the magical proceedings this evening I’d like to show you the very first trick that I ever saw, well I didn’t actually see it for real, it all happened in a dream. So can we have some dream lighting please? (At this point you look up at the lights as if they are meant to be dimmed – the gag being that they remain exactly the same, and then after a short pause you say) You just can’t get the staff these days.

And can we have some dream music please (at this point some dreamy/cheesy sounding background music comes on to accompany you during the rest of this routine) Yes it all happened in a dream, and I have some very strange dreams (pause) no not those type of dreams love! (Appear to tell off another female in the audience for getting the wrong impression then after a short pause say) stop making up your own jokes!

Oh yes I have some strange dreams, one night I dreamed I was awake, then I woke up and found out that I was asleep.

Then there was the night I dreamed I’d become a Homosexual (pause) it was my own fault I fell asleep on a camp bed (pause) which reminds me of the politician who dreamed he was doing a speech in the House of Lords (pause) then he woke up and found out he was!

Anyhow in this dream I woke up one morning, I thought it was Dawn (pause) but I was wrong it was Samantha. The curtains were drawn, but the furniture was very real.

I got out of the wrong side of bed (pause) don’t you just hate it when you wake up with the mattress on top of you? Then I walked over and looked out of the window and there was a heavy Jew (sounds like Dew) on the grass (pause) he’d obviously been chucked out of the sinagod for swearing.

I asked my girlfriend to call me a cab and she said “Jon you’re a cab!”. In the end I called myself a cab, the cab pulled up with a jerk (pause) the jerk got out and I got in.

I knew the driver was going to be easy, she had a mattress strapped to her back. And as for her sister, well she was so popular that when she died (pause) she had to be buried in a Y shaped coffin!

As we were driving along she was going (here make sound of a car engine and mime turning the steering wheel, then after a short pause say) but then she stopped because she got a sore throat. She asked me to wind up the window, so I turned to the window and said “You can be a really stupid window at times you can!”.

On the way we got lost so we stopped to ask directions and discovered that there was this farmer there digging his field (pause) he was going YO Field!

Eventually we arrived at the Squitz Hotel, it’s like the Ritz except the foods not quite so good. As I walked in the man asked for my name, I guess he didn’t like his own.

I went inside and found that there was a magician on stage performing with his assistant (pause) some people have just got no shame.

And that’s the moment my desire to become a magician began, that very moment he did his first trick using 1,2,3,4,5 cards (as you say this cards are counted) he threw away 1,2, cards, gave them a flick as it’s the flick which works the trick and then he counted the cards again and there were still 1,2,3,4,5 cards and the whole audience went “Good God Man!” (Pause) but obviously you weren’t that audience.

I tell you what guys and girls we’ll try that again and I want you all to join in and say “Good God Man!” – OK? So he showed 1,2,3,4,5, cards, threw away 1,2, gave them a flick as it’s the flick that does the trick and counted them again to show 1,2,3,4,5 cards and the whole audience went (here pause and gesture to the audience and they will say “Good God Man!” then pause for a few seconds and say) The first time I saw that trick I too was so amazed that I forgot to applaud!

(Pause and they will clap, then when they stop say) Was that a round of applause or has somebody just put the chips in? (Usually one or two people will clap this comment at which point I say) Thank you, your very kind but please don’t clap on your own or else somebody will throw you a fish!

After the show I went backstage and asked him how he did the trick with 1,2,3,4,5 cards, where he threw away 1,2, gave them a flick because its the flick that does the trick and then counted them again to show 1,2,3,4,5, cards and the whole audience go (gesture for them to join in) "Good God Man!” but he said he couldn’t tell me because he’s a member of the Secret Five, in fact its so secret he didn’t know who the other four members were!

But he did give me some very good advice, he said that when I did manage to find out how to do the trick I should practise it somewhere nobody would see me, so I did (pause) I went on Digital TV!

Then I discovered a magic shop in a local town so I knocked on the door, the man answered the door in his pyjamas, I thought what a stupid place to keep a door in your pyjamas?

The guy had wooden legs but real feet, he told me that his shop burnt down once and the fire brigade had saved the shop but he was burnt to the floor.

Apparently he tried to claim on his insurance but they said he didn’t have a leg to stand on.

I asked him if he had the trick with 1,2,3,4,5, cards where you throw away 1,2, give them a flick cause it’s the flick that does the trick and then count them again showing 1,2,3,4,5, cards and the whole audience goes (gesture to them) “Good God Man!”.

He said he’d sold out but he did have a really good trick using 1,2,3,4,5, cards where you throw away 1,2,3,4,5, cards and are left with 1,2, as opposed to throwing away 1,2, cards giving them a flick cause it’s the flick that does the trick and then counting them again to show 1,2,3,4,5 cards and the whole audience going (gesture again) “Good God Man!”.

So you see Ladies and Gentlemen I’ve searched far and wide, high and low and I was going to show you the trick using 1,2,3,4,5, cards where you throw away 1,2, give them a flick cause it’s the flick that does the trick and then count them again showing 1,2,3,4,5 cards and the whole audience goes (gesture) “Good God Man!”

(Pause) But I just couldn’t find out how it was done! (Pause) THANK YOU! (Here as I say thank you I throw the last five cards up into the air and take a call, which acts as a cue for the audience to applaud loudly which invariably they do anyway!)

Have fun with this!

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Confabulation is a means not an end

by POB and Dr. Zodiac

[For some reason, Dr. Zodiac was used a lot by people who submitted poems. And you really can't argue with the results. The guy is an inspiration.]

If I wasn't so sane I'd be your stalker. Oh wait...
Honestly, WHO CARES? It's a word.
I can take it. I have been called worse.

Can't wait to hear the consensus on my new one.
To spare you the goo'ieness, I'll be brief.
She was quite young when I met her at a lecture, I believe 7-10?
I just started dating her and she admits she's had a crush for a while.
I am in no way an expert and have just started playing, but so far non
physical contact has worked several times.
Did my Jedi mind trick work? Surely it can. Maybe later, Bonzo.
It gets people talking and actually gets quite a few girls wondering
and as
such a lot of attention from them.
WOW! I do not believe the whacked out rules.
I feel like I shouldn't comment any further. It's a gut feeling.
I have been banned from the Denny's on 95th street and 294 express way
in
Bridgeview.
It's a compulsion I can't break yet!
Definately time for a change.


The problem being, I need to cut into the body.
I am so greedy and want to be all powerful that I don't like sharing
even
with allies.
Oh, geese. James, what a stud. Latex and dental dams... NICE!
Does my shirt have to be tucked in? But I shall if it makes you feel
better.
I just am that secure with my manhood to dress like Elton john.
A friend of mine named Johnny Vegas always dresses up to go to his
nightclub.
Johne, you know my rates. You'll learn X in about the fourth lesson.

I'm sure local police officials would donate the necessary equipment
for the
night.

For the Record

by U_G_O_2003 and Max Maven


For the record

Apparently, you've never seen me work
(and I'm sorry if this disappoints you)
but it's a moot point.

I usually stay silent in these fora,
something akin to showing off.

But it is a viable option.

I was getting tired of the process.

Contingency Plan

by Tyler Wilson and Paul Chosse

The answer to the fear of loss of control is quite simple
With that concern foremost in the mind, practitioners have altered the
process
So you finish pushing it in for him
Although I am not entirely happy with that explanation
It screams "Look at me, I'm getting set to do something!"

It is helpful to have someone to demonstrate for you
And reading between the lines has taken on a mantra-like quality
I have an all-around cover for the move that I developed
For cocktail lounge work where I was frequently surrounded
And 96 were in brown cloth

No, no, push it all the way in, you don't want me to find it, do you?
It will register that way on your face, your actions will have less
tells,
and the tension will disappear
I wish I could convey the FEELING this evoked but it would mean a
lengthy
post
Describing the presentation in detail is something I need to OK with
the
performer first
Charlie was MUCH closer to Malini than Vernon ever was

Remember Erdnase's advice.
To paraphrase, "The resourceful professional, failing to improve the
method,
changes the moment."
That is after 38 years of close relationships with Alan, Vernon,
Miller,
Jennings, Marlo, etal.
That is most of the ones in bobo that I like the best
Consider the source - BUSBY???...

Best, PSC

Untitled

by Steve Friedberg and tpdmagic

We all go through things that make us either change
or stop the things we do.

Some by choice others not,

Example...

Right now I still do magic for layman,
I work on my routines ect.
The other day my wife asked if I wanted to go see another magician who
is
performing in my town...

I said no...She said whats wrong with you..

LOL

I said nothing
I just don't want to go so another magician perform the same old
illusions
the same
old
way.

Lately I don't care to watch other performers..

Its not wrong, Its timeing.
I am sure in the future I will want to again.

Give Me A Shout

by Joe Pecore and Keith Arlen Lack

I got into magic as a youngster.
started to produce my own apparatus and illusions.
always loved the idea
the magic styles of yesteryear.

Give me a shout
Give me a shout
Keith Arlen Lack Arlen Studio in Redding, Ca.

We produce a line of Magic illusions
our items have the distinct look
the directions were poorly written
hard to follow

Give me a shout
Give me a shout
Keith Arlen Lack Arlen Studio in Redding, Ca.

Perhaps you have seen our products already.
Items like our Masters Close Up Table,
Boxed Queen Mystery and Aces and Silk Chambers.
not look or work like they were advertised
cheap and fell apart in a few weeks.

Give me a shout
Give me a shout
Keith Arlen Lack Arlen Studio in Redding, Ca.

To Hell With Ethics

by Dillip and Daffydoug

Well my friend, by now you can see that you are not alone.
Place the small cloth in your right pants pocket
All *****ed up,
you've got me salivating over this one!


As for me, yep! Been there done that many times over.
between Little Joe and Hoss,
Ten times a week for two years!
A good Boy Scout is always prepared.

So, if he is getting rich,
count me in on plopping down my bucks!

I have tried ALL kinds of grips,
I've been chomping at the bits
I sweat and swat flys.
once you learn it it is always there to fall back on.
Go for it, and to Hell with ethics!

The Death of Magic

by Steve V and Daffydoug

It is extremely HARD to shake the magic bug once you
are bitten. It's been in my blood since I was five
years old, and I am now 49.

You learn to pick yourself up, dust your self off, and
keep going. It just takes time.

Henry, if you are reading this, you need to heed.

Yeah, I know the trick is older than the proverbial
hills, but I still like it and perform it
occasionally.

For those of you who still do this "oldie but goodie",
I would like to ask a question.

It takes a common object, and turns it into your
weapon of deception!

At first I thought you were talking about deja vu,
because that always feels like life has been rewound,
and replayed

but now it seems what you are talking about is like
more what Bill Murray went through in the movie
"Groundhog day",

sort of

I just don't know.

You are paying for a secret. So if you expect a
gimmick, I have forewarned you.

Fellas, this sounds too (I know, we've heard it
before) good to be true.

How do you find that many occasions to set this up on
a daily basis?

Whoa! That's called omnicience, and that would make
you GOD, my man.

I can't claim originality for the idea, as I saw it on
an episode of the Twilight Zone

Well my friend, by now you can see that you are not
alone.

Ode to a Bitchy Homosexual

by ManiacDrugSong and Chris Berry

[ManiacDrugSong was one of the many who ignored the request that the title of the poem come from a post as well. Not that it really matters.]

Personally, I think Las Vegas sucks.
You have Mac King, Lance Burton, Penn and Teller, Sigfried and Roy,
Jeff Hobson, and others
You are going to get sick of it VERY quickly
Not surprising to hear it sucked.

Hollywood Magic is right down the street from the Castle.
Last time I was there I sat and talked with Greg Arce for about an hour
You are very boring to watch, your material is weak...which makes you
very boring to watch.
I really would like to spend my money on something that is actuaally
good.

You have a lot of "magic" shops, most of which are tourist shops that
have hack talent
You… look super goofy standing there… with a coin on the back of your
hand
Pull your head off and float it around?
Not surprising to hear it sucked.

Dean Dill's shop is out in Glendale
You are going to get sick of it VERY quickly
…about 20 minutes… pure crap.
I don't even think it's that long

I've been coming up with some great stuff using Latta's palm
Popping in and out of there all day, look super goofy
Doing things... to me... that have nothing in common?
So... I'm moving to Florida in about 6 months....

Cassandra Isn't a Throwing Star

by Clay Carmouche and Dr. Zodiac

I do not believe the whacked out rules.
The scariness she possessed.
Latex and dental dams.
Freshly cut, canned, or whole.
Does my shirt have to be tucked in?
I need to know the stakes before I continue with the game.

I don't disuade the belief system, but I try not encouraging it.
Confabulation is a means not an end.
I’m psychic and all, but who actually pays attention?
I use science.

Why not believe that the g-ds have bestowed this storefront pagan with the abilities to ignite candles and cause flames?
Didn't Anneman borrow the rifles he used?

A neuro surgeon and a heart surgeon, how different are they?
What do they look like? Well-dressed mind readers.

WHO ARE YOU? When you can answer this, the persona will come.

I am in need of fake arm parts.
I am so greedy and want to be all powerful
I often disinform the public and private.
I never experienced the candles.
I have a high degree of success being a lie detector
I have to spew forth arrogant and pompous comments, so that I can help myself esteem.
I have a problem sharing the secrets.
If I wasn't so sane I'd be your stalker.
If publicity teaches us anything, it's that there is no bad media.

All I have to ask is what if my face is one huge eye? Or forehead? Look at me, its closer to a fivehead! Am I in violation?

It would be nice to claim one power.
I am a frequent visitor to pagan rituals, covens, and psychic fairs.
I want to believe.
I just started sticking 4 inch sewing needles through my arms.
I want to believe, I give everything and everyone a chance.
I haven't found anything to make me believe.

Making claims seems to cause false g-ds
I can take it. I have been called worse.

I Want To Believe

by Great Old One and Dr. Zodiac

I want to believe.
I am a frequent visitor to pagan rituals,
covens,
and psychic fairs.

I want to believe,
I give everything and everyone a chance.

I haven't found anything to make me believe.
I just started sticking 4 inch sewing needles through my arms.
I also do glass walking bed of nails & block head.
I have been banned from the Denny’s
I believe the manager’s name is Gidget.

But who actually pays attention?
Honestly, WHO CARES? WHO ARE YOU?
Haters. All of you.
I can take it. I have been called worse.

I have several Internet sites
in which I have to spew
forth arrogant and pompous comments,
so that I can help myself esteem.


I have a problem sharing the secrets.
I am so greedy and want to be all powerful that
I don't like sharing
even with allies.

Even though I can be
pompous and arrogant and
even a little know-it-all,
I just am that secure with my manhood
to dress like Elton John.

If I wasn't so sane I'd be your stalker.
Experience an intimate night with the paranormal!
I'm sure local police officials
would donate the necessary equipment for the night.

Latex and dental dams... NICE!
On the stage it's sweet.
Like a NINJA with a throwing star,
you never see it coming---that is, until its too late.

Does my shirt have to be tucked in?
Did my Jedi mind trick work?
All I have to ask is
what if my face is one huge eye?

I feel like I shouldn't comment any further.
It's a gut feeling.

@$&%$

by Joe Pecore and Daffydoug

I just want to stand there
on the street.
run your hands
up your legs.

with no get ready
or hokey moves
the ones I know
allow you to do that.

They show you the guy
just standing there,
then the next second
he rises up.

their is all that get ready
That is annoying.
It's that blasted get ready
that bothers me.

Then bang,
I've been lied to again!
they have effectively deceived me
lied to me.
@$&%$

I've Been Busy

by Panagiotis Pisteos and J.S.llusionDesigns

I have been very busy lately
I Have Created the Ultimate Illusion
I plan to release plans of the illusion in the near future
I have not put any thought into it
You can make things vanish and appear
or even both
This device can also make a building disappear
Any size building
Any size
any object
a plane
a boat
a tank
a car if you have a small budget
but you have to make the devise (sic) big enough
The bigger you make the devise (sic) the more you can vanish
I have not put any thought into it
It would be expensive to make
I plan to sell the plans for this illusion in the near future
I am not sure if I will sell it commercially
or as a one-time deal
Or just sell the plans in a book
I have not put any thought into it
I have also not got a patent for it yet
so people will not steal my idea
I plan only to sell 10 copies of the plans
But I have been very busy
I have not had time to get patent (sic) so
the plans will not be available for a while
I have not put any thought into it
I have been very busy.

Table Tents

by Steve V. and Scott F. Guinn

I have used table tents effectively for over a decade.

Every restaurant I've ever worked has LOVED this, and
they have the staff put the tents out ahead of time.

I have a line at the bottom in small print stating
that the show is compliments of the management and
that tipping is not required.

There are an awful lot of "cutting edge" technicians
who wouldn't make it one night in a paying restaurant
gig. I've seen it--plenty of times.

I'm not sure I even understand the argument here

I was Chief of Staff here for quite a while

It all boils down to this, in my opinion

. Balls are FUN!

. Balls are FUN!

We often take ourselves WAY too seriously

. Balls are FUN!

My point is simply that sometimes we overkill the
whole meaning/justification thing

The good news is that if you are truly dedicated, the
work is a labor of love and a true joy.

Balls are FUN!

I didn't mean to imply that you were wrong.

Just that not everyone has to do it that way.

Maybe it's OK if magic with balls is just FUN!

A Young Boy's Dream

by The Poet and -The Scot-

... I'm 16.
I started a few months ago
candles, romantic music

soft thumbs up
stick with the 1 3/4" balls
just to get a feel for where each finger is
the ball is alive.
if you dipped the balls in liquid
balls from mouth
Might fit your style
yet the ball continues to animate
happening effortlessly in his hands

you change the colour of the pencil you have
it is around 4.5"
Not sure how small
it doesn't really matter which size

The curve can be added
Practise the move slowly
timing shouldn't be that difficult
Just keep working at it

Yeah Jason released
both hands at rest
Just shows how much you can get out of 1 move
You could have something sticky on the floor
and is a pain to clean up!
This isn't what you're after.

it will eventually become easier...
If you are doing it just to impress a girl
it might not be the right answer
It's a bit like riding a bike
once you get the basics down
it's difficult to forget.

.... Redivider

by Joe Pecore and Max Maven

a good one
that has been marketed.

.... Redivider

any material
With a Fascinating Principle
shrouded in mystery

.... Redivider

has been marketed
in response to
potential buyers

.... Redivider

the whole thing
MIGHT be the work on Gilbreath
But it wasn't

..... Redivider

it SEEMED like
there is a "pattern"
for any material of

...... Max Maven

An Ode to Public Masturbation

by Chris Shing and David Le


Any experts here?


Now I'm already a student.
nobody does it better and its free
now that I've learned it. I've gotta try it some time
its very easy to do and it doesn't look so unnatural.

No, I'm not talking about my magic here, but....
Didn't mean to brag there, but I "did" it right the day I learned it.
some of you might get what I'm trying to say
So who deviced it? Stunned David Le

I learned it thru brainstorming and constant rewinds,
its a matter of getting it done right and accurately
it relieves tension and feels really good.
Amen. Amen. Amen.

Practice in front of friends who know about you and what you do,
practice in front of friends who "couldn't care less" about what you are doing,
practice in front of people who understand that you are praticing and won't mind you.
“Good. Watch. Okay watch. Look. Watch. Watch. Look”,

For me it's EVERYDAY, for about 2 hours a day.
I did it 3 times today for different people
and I use a "thrust forward" motion to shade the action.
they wanted me to "do it again!" and they were college students at that!

If their parents "close in" I try to be friendlier
usually, the parents want me to do it to the kids rather than actually participate in what I'm doing.
they just watch with friends, or classmates and schoolmates,
Now that's what I'm talkin' about

I personally don't do Spectator Insert for people I know.
that way it won't feel so awkward.
Since they know I'm a magi, they just wink at me though
and I'm kinda excited.

tell me tell me! and where can I learn it?
It takes practice, and for starters,
watching those retarded, confusing, cluttered, provocative David Lynch movies
just my observations. just my recommendations

So, you're a hobbit, mate?
have you ever gotten busted, mate?
luckily, I haven't been....
But seriously mate, all you need to do is "dip" it or "shade" it with your other hand.

If there's so much heat,
I wouldn't worry about that.
the best thing to do there is to stop performing and fight the urge.
stick to going to your mall or doing it in some sidewalk (if you dare!)

Just don't try to do it fast.
Oh, so he wants quick??
but ahhh,
It's done.


It's good. Really.

A Personal Problem With A Personal Solution

by Ivan Magnes and Michael Baker

I prefer the hard tips,
besides the added taste
Hard ones give me more substance to push against
But, I do love to have them
like a drowning man clings to a stick of wood

Yowza!
a source of power in its own way
I had given one to a woman, she took a tiny spray
BAM!!!
It's all a part of setting them up for the kill

This is pretty comprehensive. I have to concur...
I truly believe these are the ties that bind.
Very classy!
... better than it sounds.
feels and smells

meetings of this type will happen during the "off" hours
I enjoy being an opportunist
the "bad" hand
touching the nerve that matters
set its hooks deep within me
does it ever feel wonderful

The magic that I do
the truth simply doesn't seem possible.

Mental Juggles

by Peter Lipp and Andy Leviss

You certainly could predict some things
I'm heading back out on tour
But I can't say more than that...
without the slightest care or concern.

My perspectives already shifted a bit
I swore I wasn't going to post in this thread again
my reviews are typically quite rough,
back when I was a young cantankerous little...

I made a conscious effort to stop "doing tricks",
will probably never perform anything you'd consider bizarre
I certainly used to think I was good enough to buy a trick
I suppose that's all a matter of point-of-view, now, isn't it?

I knew there was a reason I don't juggle
The problem is not with neophytes
I'll repeat what's already been said...
those among them who feel they have a sense of entitlement

I miss the good old days in alt.magic
Try searching for "young mentalist", maybe,
If you want a test conditions drawing dupe
I'm speaking from a certain banned Café personality